Blogging · Canada · Me myself and I · Portrait · summer · Thoughts

Je t’aime…

4-lessons-to-finding-lasting-love_0

Twenty four hours ago, I wouldn’t have dreamed of telling you these 2 and a half words openly! They were there in my throat for years… But I couldn’t. I did love you with the purest love of all, but I had to keep it to myself, only showing you by little gestures along our path…

I knew you loved me too. But you were so reserved that I never even dreamed you’d tell me clearly someday. You had this thick bubble around you that kept you from being affectionate physically, and your yearly New Years pecks on the cheeks were enough to make my eyes tear up.

You were wrapped in secrets, a tight blanket around you, that kept you from opening your arms, all the more your wings. You weren’t bitter, but you obviously had a total control over your emotions, and I truly thought it was just in you…

But I was wrong. I am sorry, I should have known there was more to it.

Yesterday we spent an unplanned evening, just the four of us, on your terrace. We talked about moving to Pitcairn Island, ate pasta from our Chinese restaurant-like boxes and watched a plane drawing 6s in the sky with smoke… We waited for the sun to go down on the horizon slowly.

It was a perfect evening… Warm but not too hot, without wind, which is a real miracle from your rooftop hideout. At 10 O’clock, the fireworks started popping in the sky, quite frankly the most impressive of this summer, with an Elton John soundtrack. Nobody said a word during the 30 minutes of show. We usually find a way to joke around, but for some reason, yesterday, we all kept silent.

After the last notes, and the last blows, when there was just smoke left in the sky, we all sat back.

  • There is something I need to tell you…

 

When I saw the pain in your eyes, all I could think of was some medical problem. No, you can’t be sick – I told myself…

  • You probably already guessed…

 

And then, all of a sudden, without warning, your bubble burst! You told us you were gay and broke down crying.

Mom started crying, saying over and over again how everything was fine… Dad kind of froze standing up, but in a loss for words… I didn’t react to the news, just to your tears, something so unknown untill that very moment. I had an urge to hug you, a little nervous since we had never done so in the past.

I couldn’t believe how incredibly strong and courageous you just had been. Not that you had any reason to hide this side of yourself, but the fact that you had kept it for you all these years, and had decided to share it with us, all at once blew me away.

I was a little disappointed in myself for not being more emotional, and I wondered what had happened… I am usually the first one to cry in emotional situations. But the truth is, nothing had changed for me. The only difference on that terrace, under the Montréal stars, was the burden off your shoulders! And it called for celebration, not tears!

There is nothing to understand, and nothing to accept! You like men? So do I, too much sometimes 😉 Who would I be to judge you for having a common interest? You have nothing to be ashamed of, or afraid of, at least with us.

There will always be mean, angry and obtuse people eager to judge. But they are the same who will find something about anybody who don’t fit their very stiff sight of “normal” people. And you don’t have to tell them, just like I don’t go around screaming I am heterosexual… Not hiding it, just not telling, just because it is none of their business…

I am proud of you. You are a strong, brilliant, witty, funny and beautiful person.

I love you. No “even ifs”. I love you, period.

 

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