I had spent most of the night watching you sleep, when the first rays of the early sunrise came through the bedroom’s window. It seemed the sun wanted to wish you good morning by licking your cheek and running through your light hair. I couldn’t blame it.
I realized how incredibly lucky I was to have you in my life, and to share your bed. Often, as insomnia would strike, and leave me sleepless, just not in Seatle, I had taken the habit of just spending hours, watching over you. Here the manly line of your jawbone, there, the curves of your shoulder blade… I studied the changing shadows, and your steady breath, wondering where your dreams were taking you.
Through our morning routine, I just couldn’t let you out of my very sight, and had even invited myself in your shower, to share the hot water spraying our entangled bodies… You knew it’d probably get you late to work, but hadn’t rushed me as I scrubbed your back with the luffa… I craved every second spent with you, and it seemed to be mutual.
All dressed up and ready for the office, we had gathered our coats and bags, and fed the cat before locking the door to the home we had built together. How could any woman be any luckier than me, I thought, as we headed for the subway station, for another day of work.
It was a beautiful early Winter morning. The crisp snow cracked under our soles as we walked, totally in synch. “Sometimes, love truly is blind” I thought to myself. Aloud, it seemed, because you asked me what I was saying.
-Nothing, Honey… It is a very special day, that’s all.
You had agreed.
At the station, you had put your bag down, and taken me in your arms… Like you always did. You had kissed me, and I felt sorry for a brief moment. If only you had read me at that very moment. But minutes were counted, and we had to part to do what we had to do…
I had waved, blowing one last kiss before you disappeared in the subway maze… And I had walked slowly towards the quay.
What you didn’t know, was that the moment you were out of sight, my world lost all meaning. The monster I had fought for years had come back, weeks ago. As long as you were at arm’s reach, I felt safe. But without you, I felt useless, empty and dark. I had tried and tried not to listen to the little voice inside of me, telling me I was unworthy and just weighing you down.
But now standing in front of the subway rails, I had the clear feeling it was time to go. I hoped you’d understand and agree with the few words left in the note that awaited you on the kitchen table… I hoped you’d feel freed from this puzzled mind of mine. I hoped you’d forgive me and someday meet me on the other side.
And as the head wagon entered the station, I dropped my bag, and took the leap…
And I blacked out definitely with the echo of the subway horn…
Inspired by H’s post I remember -Short story