Blogging · Me myself and I · Thoughts

Kneeling down…

Depression

Today was not a good day.

It happens. It is just life… We all have bad days, right? Right. Only, depression leftovers make my bad days B.A.D.

It often doesn’t really show. I just won’t think about eating, and spend all day concentrating on not letting show what goes on in my brain. Doesn’t sound too bad? Of course not.

I am aware I am not the only one having those post-depression random bad days. But not many people know about them. My parents don’t, my friends don’t…. Heck, Chéri doesn’t know about them. Not because I want to lie to them, but because of two simple things:

1- I don’t want them to worry everytime I frown.

2- It is so dang difficult to explain.

I don’t know why “bad days” happen. I don’t know if they are triggered by specific factors. (if so, I can’t wait to find out what triggers them) I don’t know when it will happen either. What I do know, is how it feels.

And it is ugly.

I might start the day in a perfectly fine way… And at some point, BAM! My brain goes crazy and switches into depression mode. It is totally binary. One moment I am ok, the next, I am no more. Just like driving into an unexpected cloud of fog on the highway.

Forget anything planned for the day, nothing matters anymore when “bad days” strike. If I am lucky, I’ll be home, off work and able to just let it pass by. Otherwise, a complicated game of hide & seek begins. I try to hide the teary eyes, and the shaky voice, and I pray to God that nobody tells me anything slightly mean, knowing that I won’t be able to handle any minor mockery.

I feel stupid, knowing very well I have abolutely no good reason to feel blue. And I do my best to manage the uncontrolable dark thoughts. The “funny” thing being that I know dang well they are irrational. The ultimate heart VS brains fight. I just feel like dying, while I know the next day I’ll be happy and bubbly again.

It is like having a leg cramp, only in the brain. You know it isn’t dangerous, you know it’ll go away, but you don’t see it coming, and it hurts like Hell anyway!

“Bad days” are exhausting. They suck energy out of me like a leech. It is incredible how having dark thoughts and fighting them can be tiring, even if you spend your day doing absolutely nothing else. After one “bad day” I often wonder how I could make it through months of severe depression. I am impressed that my body could support the constant stress. Looking back, going through this whole series of “bad days” was a miracle.

Today I was lucky. No. Luck had nothing to do with it. A dear friend shared my “bad day”. I usually hide from people when they happen. Because I know I can be straight forward when I don’t feel well, and “bad days” can be scary.

But my friend stayed and asked questions I was never asked before. Probably because I don’t usually talk about not being well. Because I am worried that people will get worried, and look at me differently. But he didn’t. He just asked simple questions, caring but not being sneaky, calming my tears, and even making me smile at the end of our conversation.

Now, I feel better. I am shaking off the bad thoughts left on my mind, and I have a bad headache, but the worst is behind me. I decided to talk about it, in case someone would also be going through that kind of day, passing  by and feel better knowing he/she isn’t alone.

I don’t seek pity. There would be no point in doing so, since I’ll be just fine tomorrow mornning ! I just hope it can help someone in some way…

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12 thoughts on “Kneeling down…

    1. Thank you Felicia… I do have a feeling a lot of people have those (very) bad days, but unfortunately, like a lot of things in life, it goes unsaid.

      I feel for the people who don’t have that inner voice telling them that it is just in their head, and that it is a matter of hours.

      *big hugs*

      Like

  1. Reblogged this on Lucky Otters Haven and commented:
    Cyranny writes so beautifully about those inexplicable “bad days” all of us have, whether we want to admit we have them or not. They just sort of come out of nowhere sometimes!
    Please follow Cyranny’s Cove for more of her wonderful writing and poetry.
    Comments are disabled here; please comment on the original post.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I remember what that was like needing to hide feeling depressed from my family. It wasn’t quite the same thing you describe. I was protecting myself not them. I worried about their minimizing or being disappointed, especially after a hospital stay decades ago now.

    I also understand wondering how your body can handle such stress of a prolonged period of depression.

    I’m sorry you had such a hard day but it was good to read about your friend. It’s so great to have someone who cares with absolutely no judgment.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am very lucky, indeed, and I am happy to be able to appreciate it now and not in ten years, while looking back!

      As for the “hiding” I understand your point… It is funny how people (in general, of course) either minimize or blow out of proportion mental issues and their impacts… It seems like people are either in denial, or get totally obsessed.

      Even if most of my loved ones truly want to help, I only have 2 friends I really feel I can confide in, and be my true self with, without scaring them with my thoughts about depression, and the “legacy” it left me with 😉

      I wish friends like them to everybody…. 🙂

      Thank you for sharing, Aura, I hope to see you again in the Cove soon 🙂 xx

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree in parts with you…

      I think too that some things are too much to take for the people closest to us (except when you have exceptionally understanding people like the 2 friends I’ve mentionned in my comment to Aura). But, I also believe that letting these incredibly dark thoughts out, are a way to lessen the power they have on us.

      Unfortunately, sharing often brings a pity response from others, and I totally agree that it feels worse than actually not telling. When you are feeling so down already, you don’t need other to look down on you aswell….

      Thank you for sharing and I hope to see you around again soon 🙂 xx

      Like

    1. I’m glad if it was somewhat comforting to you 🙂 Minds are tricky at times, and it is easy to way out of the pain we are feeling…

      All the best to you, and I hope to see you again sood 🙂 xx

      Like

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