As she locked the front door, she sighed thinking of the outside world with contempt.
The flat welcomed her with its usual soothing silence. Not that she seeked aloneness, but she preferred it to the fake company of the people she spent most of her time with… She put down her bags, hung her keys, and tip toed through the corridor carrying the little mail she got, with her.
Of course, there were only advertisement, and the usual bills.
She left the unopened enveloppes on her bed and walked to the bathroom after picking up the first pjs from the top drawer, not minding at all the fact that the top wouldn’t match the pants.
Who would care, anyway?
In the bathroom, she sat on the side of the tub. She would have had enough time to do something productive, but she enjoyed listening to the running water. The noise covered her thoughts for a moment and she could use that moment of empty headedness.
She spent most of her time cuddled in her endlessly running reflexions. Oddly enough, she had been an outspoken, bubbly, outgoing girl throughout her childhood. It made her smile to remember the colorful kid she had been. No comparison possible with the woman she had grown to be.
She hadn’t really noticed when and how it had happened, but now she was all about black, white and the whole palette of greys in between. Slowly fading away.
The funny thing being, nobody had noticed.
Oh, she had gradually pulled out of the game. Keeping her thoughts for herself more and more along the way. Weeks had led to months, months to years, and now, it was a second nature to simply not speak out. And no one wondered what went on behind her large green eyes anymore.
She turned off the faucet, and started to undress slowly in the dim light. Catching her reflexion in the mirror, she considered her naked figure…Neither pleased nor disappointed with the view. She felt it useless to be judgemental when the others probably did a much better job than her. She didn’t have anybody to please with her curves anyway.
A few men had shared her life, but she didn’t care to waste her energy on another relationship… It was nice to have strong loving arms to come home to, but she wasn’t the kind of woman men really fought for. She didn’t have natural charm, and she wasn’t a hottie. The rare times she had engaged in more than friendship, she had to hunt the guys she had lay eyes on. No more hunting for her…
She had long yearned to be chased after, to be desired and fought for. She still did, secretly. But she had given up on hoping it’d ever happen.
She had given up on a lot. And she was letting go more and more with each year passing by.
She was slowly disappearing. Doing what she had to do, no more, no less. Going unnoticed. Fading in the crowd, getting forgotten…
Hoping only for the day she’d finally vanish totally, leaving the world painlessly. Not being anymore, in a world where she would leave no trace…
No more than a sparrow dying in the deepest forest.