A beautiful April day. You know, one of those first days, when you can open the windows at last, letting fresh air in without freezing or making your electricity bill go through the roof?
A true early Spring day, all sunny and bright. Birds chirping joyous bird songs about the warm days to come (probably) and trees slowly blossoming. A day off for her. “Thank God” she thought as she felt the darkness wrapping itself around her shoulders… Again.
It wasn’t that she had nothing planned, and too much time on her hands to think. No, she had plenty to do, but she knew not much would get done now.
She hated those days.
It had started with a mild, unexplained annoyance, and she knew what it meant.
“Why…?” she wondered. Why did she have to suffer those horrible days, even after all the years now gone by? It just felt like a life sentence for a crime she hadn’t commited. Unfair, and enraging. Unexplainable and inevitable.
At least, when she was dealing with depression, people could figure why her moods were so low… But now, it was a mystery to them. No wonder… Those dark feelings’ origins eluded her as well! She had long given up on trying to understand, she just dealt with it.
She wished talking it out would help, but it wouldn’t. She knew all the prefabricated sentences… “It’ll go away.” Of course it would. It always did. After a while.
She wondered what was worse… Thinking she was at the end of the road as she had once thought, or knowing for a fact that it was just a momentary waltz with despair? She would be ok in a few hours, but then what? She’d be dreading the next time. And then the next, and then the next.
She thought about Death for a moment. Not wanting to meet it, but considering the relief it could bring. Thinking about how tired this invisible pain left her. She was frustrated, knowing too damn well how weak she’d look, talking about her thoughts…. They were just that anyway, right? Just thoughts…
She knew she was incredibly strong for not letting her brain win this battle. Strong, as long as she could hide it. From her family. From her friends. From everybody. As soon as she reached out, she felt like she was failing.
“How damn amazing…” because she knew she would hug anyone walking in her shoes… She’d just hold them, and wipe their tears and wait for the bad thoughts to go away. How could her feelings win the battle, when her mind was aware of the futility of the situation??
How was it even possible?
At least… No one knew she was having a bad day…
“She” is me…
As I mentionned once, I suffered from severe depression in my early thirties. ( to read my earlier post click here). I slowly recovered from it, but I still have what I call “bad days”.
They happen. No reason needed, no notice, and no way to avoid them.
Very few people know about them. And it is better that way. Even chéri is unaware that I still have those. But I wanted to write while living one.
I know that this post is clumsy. It couldn’t be otherwise, since my thoughts were at their darkest, and messy as hell, while trying to translate them into something. I just hope it will speak to at least one person, who feels lonely when these bad days hit.
Sharing is caring, they say.