It’s one of my favorite words in French. Épiphanie. Almost the same as in English, but not quite… And I still prefer words like lullaby, in English. But that’s not the point.
It was early when Miss Freja decided to go toe hunting this morning. She still has her claws, and I got a very clear reminder of that when she jumped on my uncovered foot while I was still sleeping.
I got up, moved to the living room, and opened my tablet.
And catching up on the overnight messages and emails I had received, I had an epiphany.
I am not going to tell the story that caused me to have it. It is personal and uninterresting bloggosphere-wise.
I have difficulty trusting people. I think I am pretty friendly with everybody around me, but I (try to) choose people I let in my little circle wisely. The more years go by, the less people I allow myself to really like.
I also tend to push people I really like away, unintentionally. You’d think “why do you still do it, if you’re aware of it?” right? Well, easier said than done. Sometimes, I feel like I have an out of body experience, looking at myself destroying a relationship that has a lot of value to me. I just can’t help it.
I had already figured the “why” of that. I think (I’m no psychologist) that subcounciously, I’d rather ruin a relationship than be left behind. Because although both feelings are pretty awefull, at least, if I push someone to leave me, I have someone to blame: Me. And I’d rather have me to blame for losing someone I love, than have hard feeling about the other person.
Which brings me to this morning’s epiphany.
This is all about feeling abandoned. It doesn’t take much for me to feel that. I have been working on it, but it isn’t easy, because I couldn’t see why I flipped out when people went silent on me.
And this morning, I finally put my finger on the words that triggered my fear-of-being-left-behind alarm: “I need to think” (and any other phrase meaning just that)
“I need to think” makes my brain go crazy (ok, crazier). But why?
You might remember my earlier post The perfect wedding dress. Maybe not. Back then I was madly in love with a French young man and to make a long story short, him being in France (duh!) and me being in Québec, one of us had to make a move if we were to be a couple. After a couple of trips back and forth between the two countries, we got engaged, and he decided to move to Québec, so we could start our life together.
Everything was perfect. If I wrote our story, people would think I was making it up. Princess story material, the real deal, you name it, we had it.
And one day, he went silent. I thought “hey, no big deal, he’s probably just tired… He works a lot, and it is not as if I have anything to worry about!”
And then, he kept silent for a second day… And a third.
When I asked what was going on, the answer was (you see me coming, don’t you?) “I just need to think.” That was fine by me. We all need to think once in a while. And he was going through pretty major changes in his life, having to move, leave his friends and family behind, getting to marry and live with somebody and all…
But after a week, I received a ten pages long message that can be summed down to four words: “I am leaving you”.
He still loved me, but couldn’t deal with the whole France to Québec move, and didn’t want me to go through it either. There was no negotiation possible. I had let him “think” and he had decided all by himself for the two of us.
You probably know the classic story of the father that went to the convenience store to buy cigarettes and never came back? Well, “I need to think” is the equivalent of that for me.
I never was able to hate him for it. Instead I drowned into sorrow and it took me years to recover from the loss.
Now, I don’t know how much easier it will make it to deal with situations when I get the terrifying “I need to think” answer to my worries, when someone goes silent for a while… But it gives me somewhere to start working on it. And at least I’ll be able to explain to people why I have so much trouble dealing with such an innocent sentence.
So, there you have it! Today’s epiphany… Knowing myself that much better.