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I’ve been thinking a lot about suicide lately…

Depression

 

No, not that way! I am not depressed or having dark thoughts… But the recent death of Chester Bennington, singer of the music band Linkin Park has provoked a tsunami of grieving among fans… I wasn’t aware I had so many of them in my surroundings, and I was surprised to see how much the man’s passing was affecting his supporters.

I’ve read countless posts on all social medias, and the different reactions to these messages.  Of course, it has put forward all the questions around the subject of suicide, and mainly the big bad “why?”.

Now, I know I am walking on eggshells here, so I just want to point out to anyone who’d be tempted to take my post too seriously, that I am not a doctor, a psychiatrist or a professional on the suicide matter. I’m just talking about my own experience, and giving my own opinions.

So, the big why… Why oh why? He was so young, he was wealthy (I presume…), he was popular… Why take his own life?? And we’ll most probably never know. Life just becomes unbearable for some of us, at certain points of our lives… It’s in our head, hidden somewhere behind the curtains of our mind, ready to jump on us.

Some (lucky) people will never experience this mal de vivre. Some, like me, will go through it, and live to tell… And some won’t make it through.  Some poor, lonely, sick people will never even consider death. And you have men and women who seem to have it all, and yet pull the plug when you least expect it.

What’s the difference? I am guessing luck, or fate, depending on your believes. What I do know, is that when you get that pain of living, it seems like nothing will ever be right again. Everything is darkness, ache and despair. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is no end of the tunnel, period!

When I considered dying as a solution, it wasn’t a solution… It was the solution. My best friend couldn’t have convinced me that things would get better. My boyfriend couldn’t have either, if I had had one back then. I firmly believed that I would do the people I love a favor by leaving this world.

I’ve lost people close to me to suicide. I consider they were neither brave, nor cowards for it. To me, taking your own life is not an act of courage, because it is not a choice, in the state of mind that you are experiencing. And for the exact same reason, it is not a sign of weakness, since you see no other way out. I just think it is sad that they had to leave in such a moment of vivid pain.

Unlike many, if not most people, I don’t wonder why anymore. Because it would be useless to know the exact thoughts of that loved one at the worst moment of his/her life. I don’t believe it could comfort me in any way… I am guessing it would just add to the already useless guilt the family and friends experience.

That is also something I’ve come to put behind me. The guilt. The terrible guilt coming with all the “what ifs”… What if I had paid him a visit? What if I had been more attentive? What if I had read the signs?

The last person I lost that way was a very close friend. I had met him maybe a week before he lost the battle against himself. Of course, when it happened, I couldn’t help but have those questions popping in my head. But looking back, I realized that there was no way I could have interpreted the slight changes in his behavior and read his distress. And once gone, guilt would only hurt me. I made my peace with not having him with us anymore, not meaning that I don’t miss him dearly still!

Another common feeling is anger. A lot of people get angry at the dead. I understand that it is just natural at first. That person has robbed you of a friend or a family member, after all. But staying angry over time, and holding that “how could you dare?” feeling is as useless as guilt. The only person hurting is you in the end. I’m not saying that it is easy to accept the loss of a loved one, but holding grudges will not bring him/her back.

With this said, I wouldn’t want to give the impression that I take the subject of suicide lightly. It is a very serious matter, and I am always on the lookout to offer a hand if anyone should need it. I have sent messages to bloggers or Facebook friends on numerous occasions, just to make sure that the posts they had published were pure fiction. I am very open to talk about it, if someone feels the need for it.

And if you do, never hesitate to click on my “Get in touch with” page at the top of my blog, and drop me a message… Please do. It goes directly to my email, you don’t have to be worried about anyone else reading your story, or your thoughts… You don’t have to censore yourself, or “spare me” details…. If you need help, I’ll find time to talk to you.

Again, I am no professional. But there is help out there… Plenty of it. I know it is not easy to look for it when your mind is playing tricks on you. I’ll be glad to help you find the right door to knock on.

Also this is just my opinion… My life experience and my believes. I respect that not everybody thinks the same, and I don’t see how we could all agree on such a complex and shaking subject. I look forward to read your point of view on it, if you’d like to share?

I’ll leave it to this for now… Not a very happy post, but life’s not all rainbows and unicorns…  A clumsy post too, I feel, but some things just needed to be said… And to my friends and fellow bloggers and contacts on Facebook and Twitter who feel affected by Chester’s death, I feel for your loss, and thank you for making me gather these thoughts that might speak to someone else…

 

Oh… And here’s a usefull link to find links to crisis centers around the globe! Click here!

 

 

 

 

 

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8 thoughts on “I’ve been thinking a lot about suicide lately…

  1. It is good that you posted your thoughts on the subject of suicide. I was once told if someone is bound and determined to take their own life, unfortunately, nothing is going to stop them. I believe that. It is a trauma for those left behind, but, it is not their fault. deep Depression is usually the main cause and doesn’t care how rich or poor a person is, or if they are successful or not. Some can be helped and some can’t. I don’t think there is an answer. The only thing I found is that most of them did not believe there is a God or any higher being, nor did they believe in any religion,. I don’t know how accurate that is, but it makes sense to me. I never condemn anyone who takes their own life, it is a choice. The loved ones that are left behind are the ones who suffer the grief. I do pray for their souls and for the grieving family and friends. May they all RIP.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the great comment!
      I like that you brought up the spiritual angle that I had not thought about. I agree that having believes in a higher power or not must have an impact on the person finally ending his/her life or not… I don’t think faith can save everyone, but I’d be curious to see how often it weighs in the balance… Believing in an life after life probably makes a lot of people doubt their choice even more…. Very interesting point!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Ok first of all, the title of this post.
    DON’T BLOODY SCARE ME LIKE THAT. WHAT THE HELL CYRANNY? ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A BLOODY ANEURYSM?
    Seriously woman don’t do that.
    Bad Cyranny bad.

    Ok secondly this may sound callus but when it comes to they guy you are talking about killing himself, not your friend the singer, I honestly had no idea who he was before that so I really don’t care about it if I am being completely honest. That may sound harsh and make me seem like a horribly cold person but it’s how I feel about this particular thing.

    When talking about suicide, I haven’t personally lost anyone close to me because of suicide but I was close to it myself a couple of times.
    The worst was just over two years ago.
    I was angry, empty, and felt alone.
    I was working in a job I hated and I just couldn’t take it anymore.
    One morning I was standing on the platform at the trian station, the train was coming and all I kept thinking was “One step. One step and it will all be over.”
    I could stop hurting, the pain would stop all it would take is one step.
    I didn’t do it that morning not for any other reason than the train was slowing down and I didn’t think it would have killed me.
    So I went to work and I kept going steadily getting worse and worse.
    I was self destructing.
    I got fired (quit) from my job, then fell into depression, although I didn’t know that at the time, I was numb and felt nothing but anger.
    Then I met the woman I told you about before.
    You already know the story there. She saved my life in more ways than I can count.
    Made me realise that I needed help, she gave me the strength to accept that I couldn’t do it on my own.
    I got help and now I am who I am now.
    It took the love and support from the right person for me to accept I needed help.
    So how could I not name my daughter after the person that saved me from myself, she wouldn’t be alive without her.

    So that’s my story, you already know the other part of it, but yeah.
    So in conclusion DON’T SCARE ME, OR ANYONE, WITH A POST TITLE LIKE THAT AGAIN!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am sincerely sorry Colin. I don’t do “serious” often… and I don’t think people expect “serious” from the girl who posts snails and stories about farting whales…. So, yes. I have deliberately chosen a dramatic title to try to catch people’s attention to a serious matter…

      I didn’t intend to scare anyone. I appologize.

      Thanks for sharing your story. The train part reminded me of some episodes in the peek of my own depression, and I totally relate to what you wrote.

      I am sure that this woman who made such a difference in your life appreciates the gesture of naming your child after her!

      I hope you never get to experience that unhappiness again….

      Sorry again for the tittle…. xx

      Like

  3. When I read the title I gotta admit my heart started beating a tad bit faster but as I read on I realised that you were doing what most people can’t.

    You talked about suicide openly and how the death of Chester Bennington effected people, you didn’t just say RIP and end it there you said what mattered. I’ve thought of suicide too but I haven’t been able to take about it on my blog, this post really opened up my eyes and made me think that what if talking about it helps someone else?

    So thank you for being brave enough to talk about suicide and depression people need to be more open so others can relate and we can help each other.

    Loads of Love.-H

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I didn’t know how to start this post, but the tide of comments after Chester Bennington’s death just made me feel I had to write something…

      Last time I adressed the matter of suicide, it was to concentrate on the person wanting to commit it side. This time I wanted to focus more on the people that stay behind, when the worst has happened…

      I am glad this post spoke to you… I think if we were just more open to talk about it, and didn’t treat the subject with such drama, it would help a lot of people who’d like to open up, but are just afraid to do it!

      Thank you for your good words, H! It is always lovely to read you!! xx

      Liked by 1 person

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